


episode x: how bout you shut up

by brightmatter (keepemguessing)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Humor, M/M, Texting, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:01:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepemguessing/pseuds/brightmatter
Summary: in which: poe doesn't sleep, everyone tries to forget ben's emo phase, hux is allowed to hang out for some reason, finn lies about having a tiktok, and rey is just here for the entertainment value.or, a star wars text fic told for one single reason: i wanted to and i think i'm really funny
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Jessika Pava/Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker
Comments: 13
Kudos: 78





	episode x: how bout you shut up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright SO here's the sitch 
> 
> poe dameron, senior, 17  
> -started at resistance high in the spring of his sophmore year  
> -made friends with rey, ben, and hux after finn rescued him from double detention with phasma in his first week  
> -lives with his dad and his little cousin bee  
> -is definitely gay but still says he's not gay but knows that everyone knows he's lying
> 
> rey palpatine, junior, 15  
> -skipped a grade  
> -disowned by her family semi-recently, lives with her best friend finn  
> -works at han solo's garage 
> 
> phineas "finn" skywalker, junior, 16  
> -adopted by luke skywalker and wedge antilles when he was 12  
> -best friend rey lives with them  
> -cousin of ben  
> -has a massive crush on poe that everyone except poe knows about 
> 
> ben organa solo, senior, 18  
> -had an emo phase last year, dont talk about it  
> -his parents are principal organa and mr. solo  
> -nicer than he was during his emo phase from 2015-2017  
> -still the most dramatic person in the group
> 
> armitage hux, senior, 18  
> -ben's best friend from the emo phase of 2015-2017  
> -still allowed to hang out  
> -hating his dad is a personality trait
> 
> poe: [poeseph]  
> ben: [ben]  
> rey: [r(eyyyyyyyyy)]  
> finn: [finn]  
> hux: [Hux]
> 
> alright, all good? sounds great let's go

group name: **good news everyone**

members: **[poeseph], [finn], [r(eyyyyyyyyy)], [ben], [Hux]**

admins: **[poeseph], [Hux]**

**monday, august 26**

**5:46pm**

**[poeseph]:** it's the first day back and i already have algebra homework, kill me now

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** or, hear me out, we can kill mr. snoke

**[finn]:** wow almost 3 hours out of school without threatening violence, that's a new record, rey i'm so proud

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** and how long did you make it in mr. tarkin's class before you ditched and hid out in the bathroom 

**[finn]:** oh **okay** we're doing this now huh

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** yes fuck you

**[poeseph]:** wait THAT'S where you went are you fucking kidding me??? you couldn't have _told_ me that??? 

**[finn]:** oops gtg

**[poeseph]:** you _Left_ me you asshole

**[ben]: what the fuck are you people arguing about already we made it like all summer hanging out and pulling semi illegal stunts whenever the mood struck us or poe dared someone to and no one got seriously hurt or in even a little legal trouble somehow which is frankly insane but you lose all your self respect after 7 hours sitting down honestly why am i friends with you guys youre all so melodramatic im out**

**[Hux]:** Ben, we've gone over this, either learn to use punctuation or send more than one text, for the love of God. 

**[Hux]:** I literally had to read and reread that like 5 times and still only know like 40% of what it was trying to tell me. 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** lol that's cause ur dumb 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** but yeah ben hux is right 

**[ben]: no**

**[poeseph]:** we all know i hate to agree with hux,,,,,,,, 

**[Hux]:**...Is there more?

**[poeseph]:** ,,,,,,,,,,but he make s a good point, i cannot kriffing understand you 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** also do you **have to use bold text for everything like is that really necessary**

**[ben]: yes**

**[poeseph]: are you sure**

**[ben]: its an aesthetic choice if youre not here for it then get out of my life**

**5:52pm**

**[poeseph] changed [ben]'s name to [bensthetic]**

**[bensthetic]: that doesnt even make any sense poe what the kriff also who changed the admins someone change my name back**

**[Hux]:** Yeah a pun about melodrama would’ve been better 

**[poeseph]:** i dont see YOU using ur admin privledges sir 

**[Hux]:** Yeah I simply do not care enough.

**[Hux]:** At least I can spell, Dameron

**[finn]:** what’s up what did i miss 

**[finn]:** oh just a kylo ren thing then, got it 

**(several people are typing…)**

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** finn NO-

**[poeseph]:** ᵒʰ ᵇᵒʸ ʰᵉʳᵉ ʷᵉ ᵍᵒ

**[finn]:** oh god

**[Hux]:** LMAO this should be fun

**[finn]:** fuck 

**[finn]:** Fuck Fuck **Fuck** me 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** ew no ask poe 

**[poeseph]:** okay Really now

**[Hux]:** LMAO I’m crying

**[finn]:** rey What the fuck, read the room

**[poeseph]:** haha yeah we're friends i wouldn't fuck you, im like straihgt anyway 

**[Hux]: (surejan.gif)**

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** ok poe sure 

**[finn]:** uh yeah totally

**[finn]:** i mean. we're buds anyway so it totally doesn’t matter 

**[finn]:** ALSO im about to get murdered :( 

**[finn]:** ben, buddy, pal, favorite cousin of mine, i take it back i didnt mean it please for the love of god 

**[Hux]:** R.I.P. finn

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** r.i.p. finn

**5:57pm**

**[Hux] changed [finn]'s name to [r.i.p. finn]**

**[poeseph]:** your reaction to getting murdered is :( ? 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** also isn't he your only cousin

**[r.i.p. finn]:** shut up im panicking 

**[r.i.p. finn]:** im so scared 

**[r.i.p. finn]:** also im jewish get out of here with that christian phrase 

**[r.i.p. finn]:** someone change it 

**6:02pm**

**[poeseph] changed [r.i.p. finn]'s name to [:( finn]**

**[poeseph]:** fixed it 

**[:( finn]:** thanks

**6:07pm**

**[:( finn]:** oh god is he still typing 

**[:( finn]:** what the _kriff_ oh my hgod ajsjskkdkdkfkkdff 

**6:14pm**

**[:( finn]:** what the fuck is

**[bensthetic]: (screenshot.png, a note document with a link to a file marked 'hisrealnameisphineasjustfyi-blackmail.pdf')**

**[:( finn]:** e

**[:( finn]: excuse me**

**[bensthetic]: fuck you i will end you if you think being my cousin keeps you safe youre in for it all it means is that i have a lot more material that i can and will use to ruin your life so just forget that 2015 through 2017 me even existed and i wont dm that link to every kriffing person who follows you on instagram along with the username of your secret tiktok account that you think none of us know about are we clear phineas skywalker can you guess what is in the file or do i need to to spell this out for you also you owe me 10 bucks**

**[:( finn]:** fucking christ

**[poeseph]:** _oh my god???_

**[:( finn]:** yes jesus okay i said i was sorry

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** skywalkers are fucking nuts

**[poeseph]:** his name is _phineas???_

**[:( finn]:** it won't happen again ben

**[bensthetic]: good**

**[bensthetic]: you can just venmo me the 10 i need it for a celine dion cd**

**[poeseph]:** he has a tiktok _?????_

**[poeseph]:** you made fun of _me_ for having a tiktok and you _had one the whole time_ _????_

**[poeseph]:** do you _post ????_

**[bensthetic]: yes he posts he has like 30k followers just so you know**

**[poeseph]:** imgoinf to have a fjcking stroke

**[poeseph]:** you madefun of me for HAVINGone and yourw practicalldyfucking tiktok famous 

**[Hux]:** Why do you need a Celine Dion CD?

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** this might be going out on a limb here but i'm going to assume it's because finn hates celine dion

**[Hux]:** Who hates Celine Dion wtf?

**[poeseph]:** okay the real question is What do i need to do for that file and what Else do i need to do for the tiktok

**[:( finn]:** please for the love of god do not send him that link 

**[:( finn]:** oh my god _please_ no

**[:( finn]:** ...how _do_ you know about my tiktok though? 

**[Hux]:** Who _doesn't_ know about your TikTok, Finn

**[:( finn]:** nvm im not in a position to ask questions 

**[poeseph]: hold the fucking phone,,,,** YOU _also_ knew about Finn's tiktok??? 

**[:( finn]:** yeah wtf how and _why_ did that happen????

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** yes we all knew about his fucking tiktok congratulations you're in the club 

**[poeseph]:** literally fuck you guys okay 

**[poeseph]:** i'm DYING of curiosity i think i'm going to explode if someone doesn't send me his @ right fucking now

**[:( finn]:** guess you're exploding then

**[poeseph]:** finn :( can i have your tiktpk i need it i will actually die 

**[:( finn]:** no you cannot 

**[poeseph]:** but i need it to live 

**[:( finn]:** die then 

**[Hux]:** Is this flirting? Are they flirting?

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** honestly it's difficult to say

**[:( finn]:** i hate you i hate all of you

**[Hux]:** That's a lie, we all know the only one you hate is me. 

**[:( finn]:** can't argue with that

**6:21pm**

**[Hux] changed [:( finn]'s name to [;) finn]**

**[Hux]:** Because, flirting

**[;) finn]:** oh my god i fucking hate you

**[;) finn]:** poe change it please 

**[poeseph]:** ok give me your tiktok

**[;) finn]:** literally fuck you 

**[poeseph]:** wait your name is phineas 

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** Yeah i can confirm that

**6:23pm**

**[poeseph] changed [;) finn]'s name to [;) finneas]**

**[;) finneas]:** i'm actually going to murder you 

**[;) finneas]:** literally fuck you so much 

**[poeseph]: tik. tok. bitch**

**[poeseph]:** _also_ Lmaooo you wish

**[;) finneas]:** sure sounds like you do

**[r(eyyyyyyyyy)]:** see maybe this is good, they're talking about their feelings 

**[Hux]:** Oh is that what's happening? 

**6:25pm**

**[Hux] changed [r(eyyyyyyyyy)]’s name to [(rey)lationship expert]**

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** wow thanks this is iconic 

**[Hux]:** You’re welcome, I try

**[;) finneas]:** the folder though, now _i'm_ curious... radio flyer wagon, or is it the ninja thing? or drywall 

**[;) finneas]:** kirby? 

**[;) finneas]:** oh no 

**[;) finneas]:** oh my god no 

**[;) finneas]:** please no

**[;) finneas]:** triceratops? 

**[poeseph]:** this is TORTURE _please_ fucking tell me what thatall means i **need** to know im goong to have an aneurysm

**[;) finneas]:** again, **perish**

**[bensthetic]: well**

**[bensthetic]: there are videos from the triceratops debacle there are photos from the finn vs wagon incident and there are type written accounts of drywall and the ninja thing along with the golf cart escapade also theres photos from the summer of 2013 haircut and a copy of the love song you wrote you know who last valentines day**

**[bensthetic]: thanks for reminding me about the kirby one ill have to add that**

**[(rey)lationship expert]: (nowwedonthavetimetounpackallofthat.gif)**

**[Hux]:** You wrote Voldemort a love song?

**[poeseph]:** please for the love of god, 

**[poeseph]:** i’ll never ask for anything ever again

**[Hux]:** Banthashit

**[poeseph]:** i’ll never ask for anything too expensive or embarrassing again, 

**[Hux]:** Still banthashit

**[poeseph]:** please, _please_

**[poeseph]:** let me see that file 

**[poeseph]:** at _least_ let me see the song 

**[poeseph]:** also who was the song for 

**[Hux]:** Yeah, Finn, who did you even write a love song to last year? 

**[(rey)lationship expert]: shut the fuck up right now oh my god**

**[Hux]:** Wait was it

**[poeseph]:** wait who

**[Hux]:** Oh my God, it was

**[(rey)lationship expert]: hux i will fucking burn off your pasty eyebrows shut the fuck up right now**

**[poeseph]:** am i missing something i think im Definitely missinf something

**[Hux]:** Okay, shutting up now

**[;) finneas]:** im throwing my phone into the lake 

**[bensthetic]: no youre not uncle luke will absolutely fucking ground you for the entire semester if you break another phone phineas you do remember the last one right**

**[;) finneas]:** _please_ stop calling me that

**[bensthetic]: sorry i cant its your name im like pretty sure its your name right or am i misreading something here**

**[bensthetic]: (photoscan.jpeg, a birth certificate, blurred out except for the line that very clearly reads "Phineas Antilles Skywalker")**

**[bensthetic]: also it very clearly says that your name is phineas for this chat even though someone spelled it like an absolute moron**

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** that would be Poe

**[poeseph]:** yo

**[;) finneas]:** im going down to the pier and im throwing my phone in the fucking lake

**[;) finneas]:** okay how did you even get that

**[poeseph]:** also can SOMEONE please give me finn's tiktok i tried all his normal usernames and came up with nothing. i can feel my strength fading

**[;) finneas]:** can someone _please_ change my name 

**[Hux]:** Aren't you adopted? 

**[bensthetic]: magic and also some lockpicking and a well timed pizza delivery man**

**[poeseph]:** im walkinhg into the light 

**[Hux]:** Rey you were right, Skywalkers are insane

**[;) finneas]:**??? yes i'm adopted bitch that's why i've got the last names of my adoptive dads. are u dumb 

**[;) finneas]:** ben what the _fuck_ does that _mean_

**[;) finneas]:** again, poe, die

**[bensthetic]: basically this whole situation means dont fuck with me or i will absolutely wreck your shit im definitely nicer than i was two years ago but if you fucking test me i will send that file and give poe your tiktok as well as your tumblr basically just on principle and for the drama of it hope this is understood**

**[;) finneas]:** alright, as always, you prove yourself to be a vindictive monster, but _fine_ , i respect that and i'll try my level best to honor your lifestyle choices. even though literally i was the _only_ one who wasn't actually actively making fun of you 

**[;) finneas]:** talking about the past really touches some nerves and i know that but also, jesus ben why do you expend the effort isn't this exhausting 

**[bensthetic]: life is effort and ill stop when i die**

**[poeseph]:** just in case anyone was wondering, im still hovering on the brink of death, and im pretty sure only finn's tiktok can save me now 

**[poeseph]:** also wow ben of all the rick and morty quotes ur goinf witj a fucking JERRY one ???

**[Hux]:** We weren't.

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** we definitely weren't 

**[poeseph]:** so does that mean someone will give me the tiktok 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** Dameron, shut up

**[poeseph]:** soon i will 

**[poeseph]:** forever 

**[poeseph]:** because i'ldl be DEAD 

**[bensthetic]: you know phineas thats a good point also yeah poe fuck off**

**[bensthetic]: (screenshot.jpeg, the same note document from before, only this time following 'hisrealnameisphineasjustfyi-blackmail.pdf' are 'generalhugs-blackmail.pdf' 'poesworstmomentshighlightreel-blackmail.pdf' 'reyknowswhatthisis.mp4')**

**[poeseph]:** okay NOW jm intrigued 

**[poeseph]:** what could POSSIBLY be in there thati didnt already live tweet as ithappened 

**[poeseph]: what do you know**

**[Hux]:** The sheer stress of hanging out with you people is going to send me to an early grave.

**[poeseph]:** have fun see you in hell

**[poeseph]:** but also, that reminds me!

**[poeseph]:** im dying and i need finn's tiktok someone give me finnsf tiktok

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** benjamin organa solo you absolute conniving half baked piece of human garbage 

**[bensthetic]: everyone clear on the status of the power structure here**

**[;) finneas]:** maybe today _is_ a good day

**[poeseph]:** okay now im Rwallhcurious about whats in reys thing 

**[Hux]:** Do you look at your phone when you type? Are you paying attention to this at all? 

**[poeseph]:** bold of youto assume im Ever paying attention 

**[poeseph]:** also, No. ifyou must know im currently watching adventure time w Bee

**[poeseph]:** bee says hi 

**[poeseph]: (adventuretime.mp4, a shaky video of a small red haired child, singing along to the opening credits of 'adventure time')**

**[poeseph]:** well no, she didn't, but i cant interrupt adventure time so. in spirit 

**[poeseph]:** what were we talkingabkut 

**[poeseph]:** ph right, im dying

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** ben i hate you 

**[Hux]:** This chat is always such a fucking mess. 

**[;) finneas]:** okay i hate to be pushy about this but. can someone PLEASE change my fucking name 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** i thought you were throwing your phone in the lake 

**[;) finneas]:** not until i know this isn't my legacy alright 

**[poeseph]:** i mean you know exactly whta yoive gotta do buddy 

**[;) finneas]:** okay fine _hux_ will you _please_ change my fucking name 

**[Hux]:** Okay fine, to what?

**[;) finneas]:** JSKAJFJJAJF thank you 

**[;) finneas]:** just back to finn please? 

**6:41pm**

**[Hux] changed [;) finneas]'s name to [JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]**

**[poeseph]:** HAHAHAHAHHAHAHDJFJSHFJD 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** oh my god 

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** t

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** you are all evil terrible horrible people, you know that right 

**[bensthetic]: yeah and**

**[Hux]:** Yes sir

**[poeseph]:** yeah yeah they all suck. there are more important things happening rn though, someone give me finn’s tiktok

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** honestly, as far as chaos goes, this isn't **that** bad for the first day of school 

**[bensthetic]: yeah we all remember 2016 right**

**[poeseph]:** no i donot 

**[poeseph]:** i wasstill in yavin for the beginning of thatyear

**[poeseph]:** what happened 

**[Hux]:** Is this the thing with Maz's art class and the rotary phone and the chickens or was that the year before? 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** that was the year before. 2016 was the screaming match with principal organa and mr. solo that ended with ben quitting band and the fire alarm being pulled 

**[bensthetic]: mr solo are u out of your mind just call him han just cause hes your boss now doesnt mean you have to like actually respect him especially when hes not here i sure as hell dont**

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** just cause _you're_ a dick to your dad doesn't mean _i_ have to be 

**[poeseph]:** jesus christ every single thing i learn about this place from before i got here feels like watching icebergs float by and like. just almost being grateful that ill never ACTUALLY know how big they are 

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** that was 

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** surprisingly coherent 

**[poeseph]:** alright really 

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** also, yeah i completely agree that's exactly it 

**[Hux]:** I've been here the whole time and… That never changes, that's still exactly what it's like 

**[poeseph]:** well

**[poeseph]:** can't wait for that. only a year left to see if you're right 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** i guess so 

**[bensthetic]: lets make it a good one**

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** gross youre all so old 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** im not 

**[(rey)lationship expert]:** also they're literally one grade above us 

**[JSKAJFJJAJF thank you]:** alright poe you can have my @ if i get your senior discount 

  
**[poeseph]:** deal, ill get back to yuo in ,,,,,,, 50 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> full disclosure i have no idea when the next update will be out. i really liked writing this though so im optimistic that it will happen eventually. 
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated, hope u enjoyed 
> 
> -i


End file.
